diff --git a/apps/web/public/miners/boomer-heater.svg b/apps/web/public/miners/boomer-heater.svg
index 4bb0542..ec62e46 100644
--- a/apps/web/public/miners/boomer-heater.svg
+++ b/apps/web/public/miners/boomer-heater.svg
@@ -6,7 +6,7 @@
     <path d="M116 142c-18-28 18-36 0-64M160 142c-18-28 18-36 0-64M204 142c-18-28 18-36 0-64" fill="none" stroke="#ff8a4f" stroke-width="8" stroke-linecap="round"/>
     <path d="M90 180h140" stroke="#475569" stroke-width="10" stroke-linecap="round"/>
     <circle cx="224" cy="58" r="9" fill="#6a7aa0"/>
-    <text x="160" y="205" text-anchor="middle" fill="#6a7aa0" font-family="monospace" font-size="15" font-weight="700">NO HASHES. JUST GAY.</text>
+    <text x="160" y="205" text-anchor="middle" fill="#6a7aa0" font-family="monospace" font-size="15" font-weight="700">NO HASHES. JUST GHEI.</text>
   </g>
   <defs><filter id="g"><feDropShadow dx="0" dy="8" stdDeviation="8" flood-color="#000" flood-opacity=".55"/></filter></defs>
 </svg>
diff --git a/apps/web/src/components/MinerCard.vue b/apps/web/src/components/MinerCard.vue
index 4e68a2f..2592675 100644
--- a/apps/web/src/components/MinerCard.vue
+++ b/apps/web/src/components/MinerCard.vue
@@ -5,6 +5,8 @@ import { ROASTS, STATUS_LINES, STALE_LINES } from "../strings";
 
 const props = defineProps<{ miner: MinerStat; bestWork: number | undefined }>();
 
+const isBoomerHeater = computed(() => props.miner.nickname === "Boomer Heater");
+
 const slug = computed(() => {
   // Map nickname → roast key
   const map: Record<string, string> = {
@@ -16,10 +18,15 @@ const slug = computed(() => {
   return map[props.miner.nickname] ?? "unknown";
 });
 
-const roast = computed(() => ROASTS[slug.value] ?? ROASTS["unknown"]);
+const roast = computed(() =>
+  isBoomerHeater.value ? "The dumb shit your fiat friends have." : (ROASTS[slug.value] ?? ROASTS["unknown"]),
+);
 
 const statusLabel = computed(() => STATUS_LINES[props.miner.status]);
+const displayStatusLabel = computed(() => isBoomerHeater.value ? "dead" : statusLabel.value);
+const statusMarker = computed(() => isBoomerHeater.value ? "☠" : "");
 const statusGlow = computed(() => {
+  if (isBoomerHeater.value) return "glow-red";
   switch (props.miner.status) {
     case "hashing": return "glow-green";
     case "stale": return "glow-amber";
@@ -28,6 +35,7 @@ const statusGlow = computed(() => {
 });
 
 const lastShareLabel = computed(() => {
+  if (isBoomerHeater.value) return "Nothing";
   const s = props.miner.lastShareAgeS;
   if (s === null) return "no shares yet";
   if (s < 60) return `${s.toFixed(0)}s ago`;
@@ -36,10 +44,14 @@ const lastShareLabel = computed(() => {
 });
 
 const lifetimeShares = computed(() => props.miner.diffAcceptedCount);
-const acceptedWork = computed(() => formatBig(props.miner.diffAcceptedSum));
-const bestWork = computed(() => props.bestWork && props.bestWork > 0 ? formatBig(props.bestWork) : "collecting");
+const acceptedWork = computed(() => isBoomerHeater.value ? "Zero. Obviously." : formatBig(props.miner.diffAcceptedSum));
+const bestWork = computed(() => {
+  if (isBoomerHeater.value) return "Fuck all";
+  return props.bestWork && props.bestWork > 0 ? formatBig(props.bestWork) : "collecting";
+});
 
 const staleNote = computed(() => {
+  if (isBoomerHeater.value) return "warming a room while contributing nothing to civilization.";
   if (props.miner.status !== "stale") return "";
   const idx = Math.floor(Math.random() * STALE_LINES.length);
   return STALE_LINES[idx];
@@ -59,8 +71,9 @@ function formatBig(n: number): string {
     <header>
       <div class="nickname glow-magenta">{{ miner.nickname }}</div>
       <div :class="['status', statusGlow]">
-        <span class="dot pulse" />
-        {{ statusLabel }}
+        <span v-if="statusMarker" class="dead-mark">{{ statusMarker }}</span>
+        <span v-else class="dot pulse" />
+        {{ displayStatusLabel }}
       </div>
     </header>
 
@@ -71,7 +84,7 @@ function formatBig(n: number): string {
       <div class="stat">
         <div class="label">hashrate</div>
         <div class="value glow-cyan">
-          {{ miner.hashrateThs.toFixed(2) }}
+          {{ isBoomerHeater ? "No hashes" : miner.hashrateThs.toFixed(2) }}
           <span class="unit">Th/s</span>
         </div>
       </div>
@@ -81,7 +94,7 @@ function formatBig(n: number): string {
       </div>
       <div class="stat">
         <div class="label">tickets bought</div>
-        <div class="value">{{ lifetimeShares.toLocaleString() }}</div>
+        <div class="value">{{ isBoomerHeater ? "None" : lifetimeShares.toLocaleString() }}</div>
       </div>
       <div class="stat">
         <div class="label">best calc</div>
@@ -94,12 +107,12 @@ function formatBig(n: number): string {
       <div class="stat">
         <div class="label">reject %</div>
         <div :class="['value', miner.rejectPct > 5 ? 'glow-red' : '']">
-          {{ miner.rejectPct.toFixed(2) }}%
+          {{ isBoomerHeater ? "not even rejected" : `${miner.rejectPct.toFixed(2)}%` }}
         </div>
       </div>
       <div class="stat">
         <div class="label">vdiff</div>
-        <div class="value">{{ miner.vdiff.toLocaleString() }}</div>
+        <div class="value">{{ isBoomerHeater ? "Fiat" : miner.vdiff.toLocaleString() }}</div>
       </div>
     </div>
 
@@ -108,7 +121,7 @@ function formatBig(n: number): string {
       <span class="loc muted">@{{ miner.location }}</span>
     </footer>
 
-    <div v-if="miner.status === 'stale'" class="stale-banner">
+    <div v-if="miner.status === 'stale' || isBoomerHeater" class="stale-banner">
       {{ staleNote }}
     </div>
   </div>
@@ -157,6 +170,11 @@ header {
   background: currentColor;
   box-shadow: 0 0 8px currentColor;
 }
+.dead-mark {
+  font-size: 13px;
+  line-height: 1;
+  text-shadow: 0 0 8px currentColor;
+}
 .model {
   font-size: 12px;
   color: var(--fg-1);