diff --git a/apps/api/src/datum/digest.ts b/apps/api/src/datum/digest.ts
index 153f612..ca7be93 100644
--- a/apps/api/src/datum/digest.ts
+++ b/apps/api/src/datum/digest.ts
@@ -83,6 +83,7 @@ export async function digestFetch(opts: DigestFetchOptions): Promise<Response> {
   const uri = url.pathname + url.search;
   const baseInit: RequestInit = {
     method,
+    redirect: "manual",
     headers: { ...(opts.headers ?? {}) },
     ...(opts.signal ? { signal: opts.signal } : {}),
   };
diff --git a/apps/api/src/datum/poller.ts b/apps/api/src/datum/poller.ts
index 27eddbd..e848a12 100644
--- a/apps/api/src/datum/poller.ts
+++ b/apps/api/src/datum/poller.ts
@@ -62,6 +62,20 @@ function abortableSignal(timeoutMs: number): { signal: AbortSignal; cancel: () =
   return { signal: ctrl.signal, cancel: () => clearTimeout(t) };
 }
 
+function datumHttpMessage(res: Response, path: string): string {
+  const location = res.headers.get("location");
+  if (res.status >= 300 && res.status < 400) {
+    return location
+      ? `Datum ${path} redirected to ${location}; DATUM_URL is probably pointing at the Umbrel web proxy, not the Datum admin API`
+      : `Datum ${path} redirected; DATUM_URL is probably pointing at the Umbrel web proxy, not the Datum admin API`;
+  }
+  return `Datum ${path} returned ${res.status}`;
+}
+
+function isUmbrelShellHtml(html: string): boolean {
+  return /<title>\s*Umbrel\s*<\/title>/i.test(html) || /<div\s+id=["']root["']/i.test(html);
+}
+
 async function pollOnce(): Promise<DatumSnapshot> {
   const fetchedAt = Date.now();
 
@@ -76,7 +90,7 @@ async function pollOnce(): Promise<DatumSnapshot> {
         creds: { username: config.datum.adminUser, password: config.datum.adminPassword },
         signal: clientsTimeout.signal,
       }),
-      fetch(`${config.datum.url}/threads`, { signal: threadsTimeout.signal }),
+      fetch(`${config.datum.url}/threads`, { signal: threadsTimeout.signal, redirect: "manual" }),
     ]);
     clientsTimeout.cancel();
     threadsTimeout.cancel();
@@ -104,18 +118,48 @@ async function pollOnce(): Promise<DatumSnapshot> {
       };
     }
     if (clientsRes.status !== 200) {
+      const message = datumHttpMessage(clientsRes, "/clients");
+      logger.warn(
+        { status: clientsRes.status, url: `${config.datum.url}/clients`, location: clientsRes.headers.get("location") },
+        "datum_clients_bad_status",
+      );
       return {
         ...lastSnapshot,
         ok: false,
         fetchedAt,
-        error: { code: "DATUM_HTTP", message: `Datum /clients returned ${clientsRes.status}` },
+        error: { code: "DATUM_HTTP", message },
       };
     }
 
     const clientsHtml = await clientsRes.text();
+    if (isUmbrelShellHtml(clientsHtml)) {
+      const message =
+        "DATUM_URL returned the Umbrel web shell, not Datum /clients; use the Datum container admin API URL";
+      logger.warn({ url: `${config.datum.url}/clients` }, "datum_clients_wrong_html");
+      return {
+        ...lastSnapshot,
+        ok: false,
+        fetchedAt,
+        error: { code: "DATUM_BAD_RESPONSE", message },
+      };
+    }
+
     let threadsHtml = "";
     if (threadsResSettled.status === "fulfilled" && threadsResSettled.value.ok) {
       threadsHtml = await threadsResSettled.value.text();
+    } else if (
+      threadsResSettled.status === "fulfilled" &&
+      threadsResSettled.value.status >= 300 &&
+      threadsResSettled.value.status < 400
+    ) {
+      logger.warn(
+        {
+          status: threadsResSettled.value.status,
+          url: `${config.datum.url}/threads`,
+          location: threadsResSettled.value.headers.get("location"),
+        },
+        "datum_threads_redirected",
+      );
     } else if (threadsResSettled.status === "rejected") {
       logger.warn(
         { reason: formatErr(threadsResSettled.reason) },
@@ -125,6 +169,12 @@ async function pollOnce(): Promise<DatumSnapshot> {
 
     const miners = parseClientsHtml(clientsHtml);
     const threads = threadsHtml ? parseThreadsHtml(threadsHtml) : [];
+    if (miners.length === 0) {
+      logger.warn(
+        { url: `${config.datum.url}/clients`, bytes: clientsHtml.length },
+        "datum_clients_no_miners_parsed",
+      );
+    }
 
     const combinedHashrateThs = miners.reduce((s, m) => s + m.hashrateThs, 0);
     const totalSubscriptions =
diff --git a/apps/web/src/strings.ts b/apps/web/src/strings.ts
index c8140da..134715e 100644
--- a/apps/web/src/strings.ts
+++ b/apps/web/src/strings.ts
@@ -17,17 +17,17 @@ export const STATUS_LINES = {
 
 export const LOTTERY_LINES = [
   (oddsPerDay: number) =>
-    `P(block today): ${formatPct(oddsPerDay)}. P(struck by lightning today): 0.000028%. hash on, brave little board.`,
+    `today's chance: ${formatPct(oddsPerDay)}. small number, enormous main-character energy.`,
   (oddsPerDay: number) =>
-    `at this hashrate, a block is expected once every ${humanYears(1 / Math.max(oddsPerDay, 1e-30) / 365)}. compound those vibes.`,
+    `statistically, the next block arrives in ${humanYears(1 / Math.max(oddsPerDay, 1e-30) / 365)}. emotionally, any minute now.`,
   () =>
-    `lifetime tickets purchased: many. winners: 0. hope: priceless.`,
+    `the math says no. the dashboard has chosen to hear "not yet."`,
   (oddsPerDay: number) =>
-    `you're ${ratioVsLightning(oddsPerDay)}× as likely to find a block as get hit by lightning today. almost too easy.`,
+    `versus lightning today: ${ratioVsLightning(oddsPerDay)}x. bad weather has better marketing.`,
   () =>
-    `the network does not know you exist. and yet, you persist.`,
+    `four tiny tickets in a planetary raffle. extremely unserious. deeply respected.`,
   () =>
-    `every share is a ticket bought. nobody is buying with more conviction.`,
+    `every share is a receipt for optimism with terrible accounting.`,
 ];
 
 export const BLOCK_CELEBRATION_LINES = [